“A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.”
“Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.”
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.”
“America bombs everyone, but just make sure the jets are eco-friendly.”
“Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.”
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
“Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.”
“Bro over escaped the matrix.”
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
“Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
“He got his good looks from his mother. She's a plastic surgeon.”
“I always take life with a grain of salt—plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.”
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”
“I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.”
“I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”
“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”
“I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?”
“I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
“I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.”
“I will be brief. Not nearly so brief as Salvador Dali, who gave the world's shortest speech. He said I will be so brief I have already finished and sat down.”
“I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.”
“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”
“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
“If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?”
“If we ate what we listened to we'd all be dead.”
“If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me.”
“If you're in heaven and I'm not there then you're in the wrong place.”
“It's only unethical if you get caught.”
“Just once, I'd like for someone to call me 'sir' without adding 'you're making a scene.”
“Ladies, when you find that special dick, you've got to have it.”
“Leave a better planet for our kids or leave better kids for our planet?”
“My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.”
“Ninety percent of baseball is half mental.”
“No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach.”
“Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
“Outside of a dog a book is man's best friend, inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
“Photography freed painting from a lot of tiresome chores, starting with family portraits.”
“Poets have hitherto been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.”
“Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals like chocolate.”
“Secret to staying young is lying about your age.”
“Shame, for lack of a better word, is good.”
“Sign in a store window: We buy old furniture, we sell antiques.”
“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.”
“The man who can dominate a London dinner-table can dominate the world.”
“The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.”
“The optimist who fell from a tall building said while passing each story 'all's well so far.”
“The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.”
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
“The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.”
“The West Side Boys just sounds funny.”
“There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.”
“These are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.”
“Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.”
“Variety may be the spice of life, but monotony provides the groceries.”
“Wall street predicted nine out of the last five recessions.”
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
“When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?”
“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'damn, that was fun.”
“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
“You can't pretend to be witty.”
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
“Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.' Man bursts into tears. Says, 'But doctor...I am Pagliacci.”
“You said you were going for a walk!? What kind of walk takes six hours?' 'A long one?”
“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.”
“If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.”
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there will still be people who hate peaches.”
“There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again.”
“All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.”
“At one point, people are going to have to realize that maybe I do know what I'm doing.”
“Having women work with men in the office is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon... Dipped in honey.”
“Men want to be alone, but they don't want to be by themselves—they want women around, just not right there. Why can't you just be like, in the vents, or on the roof?”
“I don't litter. Not because I care about the Earth. I don't want to throw a pop can over a bush and land beside some dead lady. Now I'm the pepsi-cola killer.”
“I was diagnosed with tourettes recently, whenever I see a hot girl I turn into a ventriloquist, 'Godddddamn!”
“If you stick a finger in your butt you'll be able to detect life-threatening colon cancer, but I'll never know.”
“Im too afraid not to beleive in God especially on an airplane, look God I'm helping this old lady with her luggage, you're not going to let this plane crash are you?”
“You know how pretty a white woman is, how long they will look for her if she goes missing. Imagine a black girl went missing in a boat accident—they'll be standing at the edge of the shore staring out, 'Nope, don't see her. We need to call off the search, conditions are terrible, it's too sunny.”
“Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”
“This river here is the official geographical limit between Balkan and Middle Europe. Be aware! On the other side: horror, oriental despotism, women get beaten, get raped and like it. On this side: Europe, civilization, women get beaten and raped but don't like it.”
“By all means marry, if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher.”
“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”