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In the whole of the New Testament there is not one joke; that fact alone would invalidate any book.

Friedrich Nietzsche

I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

Groucho Marx

Only one man ever understood me and he didn't understand me.

Heinrich Heine

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.

Leo Tolstoy

The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

Mark Twain

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Percy Colson

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

W. H. Auden

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's relations.

Oscar Wilde

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Ellen DeGeneres

All men are equal—all men, that is to say, who possess umbrellas.

E. M. Forster

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Karl Kraus

Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.

At one point, people are going to have to realize that maybe I do know what I'm doing.

Justin Trudeau

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

H. L. Mencken

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Spike Milligan

America bombs everyone, but just make sure the jets are eco-friendly.

Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.

Bro over escaped the matrix.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Mark O'Keefe

By all means marry, if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Dear friend: I have nearly died three times since morning.

Marcel Proust

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Jim Henson

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

Denis Leary

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Zig Ziglar

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.

Mike Tyson

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Terry Pratchett

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

Benjamin Franklin

Having women work with men in the office is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon... Dipped in honey.

Patrice O'Neal

He got his good looks from his mother. She's a plastic surgeon.

Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.' Man bursts into tears. Says, 'But doctor...I am Pagliacci.

Alan Moore

Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

I always take life with a grain of salt—plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields

I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Will Rogers

I don't litter. Not because I care about the Earth. I don't want to throw a pop can over a bush and land beside some dead lady. Now I'm the pepsi-cola killer.

Patrice O'Neal

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Will Rogers

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Oscar Wilde

I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Robert Ross

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Oscar Wilde

I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Henny Youngman

I was diagnosed with tourettes recently, whenever I see a hot girl I turn into a ventriloquist, 'Godddddamn!

Patrice O'Neal

I will be brief. Not nearly so brief as Salvador Dali, who gave the world's shortest speech. He said I will be so brief I have already finished and sat down.

Gene Fowler

I will win because she wants to be defeated.

Patrice O'Neal

I wish my kid grew up with enough trauma for them to be funny.

Eric Weinstein

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.

Abby Buchanan Longstreet

I'm too afraid not to believe in God especially on an airplane, look God I'm helping this old lady with her luggage, you're not going to let this plane crash are you?

Patrice O'Neal

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Stephen Leacock

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?

Will Rogers

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Abraham Lincoln

If we ate what we listened to we'd all be dead.

Earl Wild

If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me.

Groucho Marx

If you're in heaven and I'm not there then you're in the wrong place.

If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

David Sedaris

If you stick a finger in your butt you'll be able to detect life-threatening colon cancer, but I'll never know.

Patrice O'Neal

It's only unethical if you get caught.

Instagram girls in yoga pants: search preference revealed.

Sam Harris

Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are. Since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.

Ladies, if you a fine ass bitch, go to club fine ass bitch and try to get in, and if the bouncer doesn't agree, he gets to hit you over the head with a bat. Now, are you still a fine ass bitch? I rest my case, your honor.

Patrice O'Neal

Just once, I'd like for someone to call me 'sir' without adding 'you're making a scene.

Matt Groening

Ladies, when you find that special dick, you've got to have it.

Patrice O'Neal

Me fail English? That's un-possible!

Matt Groening

Men want to be alone, but they don't want to be by themselves—they want women around, just not right there. Why can't you just be like, in the vents, or on the roof?

Patrice O'Neal

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Robert Benchley

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.

Groucho Marx

Ninety percent of baseball is half mental.

Yogi Berra

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

Warren Buffett

No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach.

William C. Brann

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

Darynda Jones

Never trust a man who says, 'trust me.

My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.

Walter Matthau

Outside of a dog a book is man's best friend, inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?

Julie Kagawa

Photography freed painting from a lot of tiresome chores, starting with family portraits.

Pierre-Auguste Renoir.

Neither good winds nor good marriages come from Spain.

Portuguese proverb

Poets have hitherto been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

G. K. Chesterton

Secret to staying young is lying about your age.

Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals like chocolate.

Sandra Boynton

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Mitch Hedberg

Shame, for lack of a better word, is good.

Sign in a store window: We buy old furniture, we sell antiques.

Sometimes I have believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

Lewis Carroll

Spell restorant or your mama dies. 'I love you mom.

Patrice O'Neal

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

Homer Simpson

The future belongs to the dandy. It is the exquisites who are going to rule.

Oscar Wilde

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Leo Mattersdorf

The man who can dominate a London dinner-table can dominate the world.

Oscar Wilde

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

The pussy aura is strong in this room. Misogynists! Ladies, pussy beam activate!

Patrice O'Neal

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The optimist who fell from a tall building said while passing each story 'all's well so far.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

The West Side Boys just sounds funny.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Groucho Marx

There is not one female comedian who was beautiful as a little girl.

Joan Rivers

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.

Albert Einstein

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Anthony G. Oettinger

This river here is the official geographical limit between Balkan and Middle Europe. Be aware! On the other side: horror, oriental despotism, women get beaten, get raped and like it. On this side: Europe, civilization, women get beaten and raped but don't like it.

Slavoj Žižek

There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Groucho Marx

There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again.

George W. Bush

Variety may be the spice of life, but monotony is the entire meal.

These are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Groucho Marx

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

Emo Philips

Wall street predicted nine out of the last five recessions.

Paul Samuelson

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Cathy Guisewite

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Steven Wright

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

Mariah Carey

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Rita Rudner

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Mitch Hedberg

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

Paul Terry

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'damn, that was fun.

Groucho Marx

You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there will still be people who hate peaches.

Dita Von Teese

You can't pretend to be witty.

Sacha Guitry

You know how pretty a white woman is, how long they will look for her if she goes missing. Imagine a black girl went missing in a boat accident—they'll be standing at the edge of the shore staring out, 'Nope, don't see her. We need to call off the search, conditions are terrible, it's too sunny.

Patrice O'Neal

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

Steve Martin

You know what, Nickelback's alright.

Justin Trudeau

You said you were going for a walk!? 'What kind of walk takes six hours?' 'A long one?

Cassandra Clare

Quotes

In the whole of the New Testament there is not one joke; that fact alone would invalidate any book.

In the whole of the New Testament there is not one joke; that fact alone would invalidate any book.

I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

Only one man ever understood me and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me and he didn't understand me.

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.

The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's relations.

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's relations.

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

All men are equal—all men, that is to say, who possess umbrellas.

All men are equal—all men, that is to say, who possess umbrellas.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.

Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.

Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.

At one point, people are going to have to realize that maybe I do know what I'm doing.

At one point, people are going to have to realize that maybe I do know what I'm doing.

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

America bombs everyone, but just make sure the jets are eco-friendly.

America bombs everyone, but just make sure the jets are eco-friendly.

Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.

Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.

Bro over escaped the matrix.

Bro over escaped the matrix.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

By all means marry, if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

By all means marry, if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Dear friend: I have nearly died three times since morning.

Dear friend: I have nearly died three times since morning.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

Having women work with men in the office is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon... Dipped in honey.

Having women work with men in the office is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon... Dipped in honey.

He got his good looks from his mother. She's a plastic surgeon.

He got his good looks from his mother. She's a plastic surgeon.

Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

I always take life with a grain of salt—plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

I always take life with a grain of salt—plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.

I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I don't litter. Not because I care about the Earth. I don't want to throw a pop can over a bush and land beside some dead lady. Now I'm the pepsi-cola killer.